The last ten days were rough

Man!  The past 10 days feel like they will never end.  I keep thinking that we’ll come out on top somewhere...I was hoping it looked like some decluttering and deep cleaning.

Last week I woke up to wheat all over my house.  I groaned a little and accepted responsibility for the fact that I forgot to get it out of the 2 and 3 year olds reach.  I had a pretty good attitude about it...for the first hour and a half of vacuuming.  I think I vacuumed for four hours before I declared the living room floor safe for the baby.  The kids had a lot of fun and it WAS fun to see a vacuum path in the wheat.  All in all, these things happen, although I’m still finding wheat all over my house.

I had a picture...on a device that can’t currently be charged.  Please tell me I’m not the only one whose children destroy charging cords by looking at them.  I’m really waiting for an indestructible cord.  Maybe it will be the next one that shows up in the mail!?!?

Three days ago, Oliver woke me up with Vaseline on his head and body.  I popped him into the bathtub and began looking for the Vaseline container.  It took a while, but I found it with Miriam in her closet.  The Vaseline was all over the wall, the plastic thing I had her using as a dresser, and the bar in the closet for hanging clothing (and some clothing). .I added her to the bathtub and started a nice, warm, soapy bubble bath.  After which, I began cleaning Vaseline...paper towels to get globs off of everything; a whole roll, but only one because that’s all I had; a scrubber sponge and straight dawn dish soap on everything;  hot water to rinse everything off.  I stopped there.  I don’t have any good degreaser and it came off surprisingly well.

After cleaning up all the Vaseline the best I could, I worked on lessons with the older two kids.  Meanwhile Miriam and Oliver got in my baby-gated kitchen and decided to make themselves peanut butter sandwiches.  It wasn’t a disaster, but it was a mess.  I felt a little toddlers out.  I knew Ryan would be home soon, so we waited in the driveway.  I noticed some smeared peanut butter on the inside of the passenger door last night and the baby gate in the kitchen today.  I think I need a fanny pack of Lysol wipes and baby wipes and a garbage so that I can make these things go away without remembering to go back and take care of it.

On Wednesday I started cleaning my 5 and 7 year olds room.  It was a disaster.  Their mattress was soft side down.  I told them they had a week to clean it before I did whatever I wanted with things that were not put away.  Vidalia freaked out and started working to save all her things (she’s what I refer to as a maximalist).  She was gathering handfuls of wheat (seriously!) and tiny elastics.  I informed her that mice like to eat grain like wheat and that if one got in our house, it might choose to board in her room.  She subsided and allowed me to vacuum up the wheat and returned her attention to the tiny elastics.  I cleaned about two-thirds of their room before getting called away.  She proudly finished the job and remarked how much she loves a clean room.

Yesterday I watched Oliver open the baby gate with ease and steal all the trunk or treat candy.  Miriam joined him.  They sat on the table and had a good time.  I was glad because I don’t like having candy in my house and nobody cried about it.

This morning I tightened the baby gate a ridiculous amount and Oliver can no longer open it.  He cried.  I felt a little bit bad, but I knew I’d regret it when the novelty wore off and the toddlers started doing toddler things in my kitchens (and found access to knives).  Maybe it’s just my little ones, but access to a room is floor to ceiling.  Nothing is ever out of reach, it seems.

Today I was upstairs decluttering when Vidalia came upstairs with black hands and said, “Miriam is getting this everywhere!”  I wasn’t sure what it was.  My first thought was ink.  It was packed in a science kit and in a drawer where it has been for the last three months.  It was black powder paint.  I got mad, causing everyone to cry as I rushed them into their respective rooms and shut the door.  It was on the counter, the sink, under the sink, the cupboards, the closet doors, the floor (not carpet...score!) the dryer, and inside the dryer (say what!?!?).  Yes!  INSIDE THE DRYER!

Lots of water, bleach, towels, and a package of baby wipes later, I need to go mop my floor and I have a renewed desire to declutter and a new definition of clutter and only two sub par pictures to show for all my work.  And neither of them showing the joy of discovery that was my children’s to have this last week.

And the second picture is the bottom of my foot after I scrubbed them three times with soap and hot water.

I tried to get my dirty living room in the picture with my foot.  You’re welcome?

Fact check: I took some other pictures (babies in only diapers no longer grace the internet from my family) and there were other more minor disasters.

And in my head, I’m planning on a more positive follow-up, but for now, you can laugh with me.  Whew!

A letter to my new, life-long (most likely) companion, medication.

     I feel impressed to write to my thoughts and feelings regarding taking medication for the rest of my mortal journey. (If you are already fairly familiar with my process to get on my current medication, I suggest you jump to the main message I am currently taking Buproprion and Setraline (generic equivalents of Welbutrin and Zoloft).
    There was a period of time where I felt determined that my mental illness symptoms were to be resolved exclusively by self-development (i.e. understanding and transforming my internal environment through the help of Jesus Christ). I was very relieved and grateful back in 2005 when I told my doctor that I was ready to discontinue medication.
     I had been taking Welbutrin and Adderall for several months after returning home early from my mission because of severe depression. The Adderall helped me to maintain my focus, which I had assigned an absolute dire importance to and had viciously berated myself every time my focus wandered. So, off I went for 11 years.

For those 11 years, I progressed very much, and I coped quite well, including meeting and marrying my delightful wife Melissa . Coping and breakthroughs and epiphanies and divine mercies, including occasional suggestions from Melissa that I look into medical treatment for depressive symptoms.

So now, 6 or so months later, I have obtained a state of being where my main feelings are enthusiasm, gratitude, peace with the occasional wave of negative emotions, which I consistently handle very well (most always now smoothly and confidently.

So, last year, after parting ways with the postal service, we met with our family doctor about it.
He convinced me that in addition to personal development, me being in this mortal state, my body also needs help regulating its neurotransmitters.
Thus I obtained a more complete understanding of my experience, that I had been working on my Spirit, not my whole soul, because The Spirit AND the Body are the SOUL of man.

So , this brings me to the main idea of this post: medication, now we are life-long companions. Please treat me well, I am most grateful that you have come.

I did not want to admit that I might need chemical help for the remainder of my time here on earth. I relished my status of being post-medication. Now, I still keep that possibility open, but for the foreseeable future, medication is my close companion.

So, here are all my present thoughts about this and then I will declare which of them I choose to keep and to reinforce.

1. It's depressing that I'm connected to a substance in order to be free, it's like I have a very short leash of happiness and freedom, very short.
2. I'm delighted to have found a consistent component of my happiness.
3. The medication itself is a physical reminder that so many people love me and care about me and have helped guide me to this point.

So, I choose to keep number 2 and number 3. So many wondrous miracles I can participate in by consistently taking this medication! I declare that my attitude towards medication is the same as my attitude towards my orthopedic inserts that go in my shoes, or to corrective lenses, or to a razor to keep my face smooth, or to a washing machine to allow clothes to be clean, or our various methods of maintaining our bodies in a certain temperature, etc.

Yes, this blog post has been quite therapeutic and welcome medication, you are my friend.

A note from Vidalia Pearl Armstrong:  u98ryj6bn6u98hbuhe8a6gvutigtmhyjnmkjhhtyoheliyaugbwkahihbklnbkfjevncvduli.ornvfiwhkv;glzdnrglnuivdknr;ffdmkghfgkj dlkhjtblig/f/k;hfjlgof.hkvhjkfhgkbgj;hn nh.kg  n,m n jf bgkmlm.lgmjnntiyujntktgn ijf.gulhnjolyy,jkmjhivjjgljkluonjikm kmnujmjkmhigojkmuo,komjkohhhhhoj.mjktmpyo,kjtpoyjojp;yt,ipofkjpotykjyoll;tykokyulu0pk[uipo[yi[o[o[i0o-[oupo[0ou[-ul-08=-80]8=p]io8lp'olu[]ilk
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A letter to my teacher and former slave master, lust.

                  This post is somewhat personal but quite appropriate considering the list of readers.
   Dear Lust,
      In this letter I am informing you that our bonds are mostly severed and will soon be entirely dissolved, very soon. You have been my consistent companion for many years, but I have found you out. I have discovered your true identity.
       You are founded on a web of lies, the primary one being that I do not have ultimate control of my feelings and thus I must turn to something outside myself for occasional relief from reality. You have kept me in bondage for quite some time. You had me believe that not only could I not feel consistent satisfaction with loved ones, but that the only way to feel deeply was to engage in behaviors that sabotaged these relationships. "Nothing personal" was the script you taught me, "but this is the only way I could feel anything". You even taught me that people close to me, specifically my wife needed to understand and respect that.
         She was always the main focus of your attacks because she represented my deepest connection. But she actually is a real person. She never did understand or respect or even try to understand that mentality. You told me that because of her "belligerence, opposition, and disregard" for my needs that I had two choices.
     1) Harbor secrets that if only she was more understanding that I wouldn't have to keep from her.
     2) Kill my desire to feel anything. Resign myself to my fate of never getting to have what I want.

I chose number 2 almost every time I was faced with that choice. The fact that number 1 is a more serious issue was an excellent mask for you to continue to enslave me. You told me that I had a choice between bad and a WHOLE LOT WORSE. So I chose bad; I chose heartache; I chose lack and poverty. Over and over and over again I made that choice.
       I have gained much wisdom and continue to gain more; When this impoverished emotional state resurfaces, as it does on a fairly regular basis I now remind myself that to truly fuel lust, I must conclude that that emotional state is pervasive and enduring.
        Instead I assert that feeling emotionally impoverished is fleeting and diminishing while freedom, life, vitality, joy, peace are becoming my default emotions.
     Now where do I get the audacity to make such an assertion?
Alma 5: 10 asks that same question with slightly different wording.
10 And now I ask of you on what conditions are they saved? Yea, what grounds had they to hope for salvation? What is the cause of their being loosed from the bands of death, yea, and also the chains of hell?

Versus 7-10 give the full picture. It is because I choose to believe that I have the power to fundamentally alter my emotional disposition and because I humble myself before God and give him, voluntarily, my trust. I seek out others who are of my same heart in this regard and learn from them.

So, Lust:
I am free now. Farewell.

      

Conference Resolution

This is my new resolution, which I solidified and clarified while watching General Conference.
Feel my feelings.
These two verses I apply to my feelings:
Matthew 19:14
14 But T.H.E. said, ^aSuffer my inner child (which is mostly feelings), and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

2 Nephi 26: 33
33 I ^ainvite them ^ball to ^ccome unto me and partake of my goodness; and I ^ddeny none that come unto me, energizing and drab, intense and mild, encouraging and disturbing; and I remember the ^fheathen; and all are alike unto me, because they are MY FEELINGS.

I AM REAL.

Perceptions

Melissa Armstrong​ and I had a discussion last night that was very eye opening. We discussed how much our perception of each other has been skewed the entire time we have known each other. Melissa stated that she has seen how happy I have been recently and that has made her realize that I have been mostly unhappy the whole time she has known me. I confirmed that I have been mostly unhappy and responded that I projected that unhappiness on to her.
What I am now coming to understand are invitations to create and maintain a happy family and home life I previously perceived to be willful, deliberate attempts to insult my intelligence and to erode my self-worth.
I'm not sure why I was inspired to share that here.

Anyway, my conclusion from this discussion is that there is an infinite depth of connection that is possible between husband and wife, and we are stepping into a whole new world of connection, gratification, and understanding that will bring an intense richness of joy that I never realized was possible in this life!

This clearer understanding confirms to me what Napoleon Hill said, "The only limitations we have are the ones we place on ourselves." I am on a journey of stepping beyond the limitations I have come to identify with and even name "I". I am redefining the word I into brilliant security, majestic power, undaunted courage, infinite wisdom, boundless charity!

Yes, yes my hope for a gloriously intimate, satisfying, nourishing, enlightening, passionate, elevating marriage is VERY VERY bright! Kindness begins with me.

Vulnerability and Authenticity

I would like to follow the lead of many of my courageous friends who are discussing the topic of vulnerability and authenticity. We so often feel the need to bury our pain and put all our energy into maintaining a facade which is partially real and partially imaginary. Certainly if we do not understand why we are hurting, these measures are necessary. Viktor Frankl (author of Man's Search for Meaning among many other priceless books) said "Suffering ceases to be suffering when we form a clear and precise picture of it". For my part, there was a time in my life when nearly every moment was spent in dread and agony. There was a time when I felt like screaming and crying at the sight of food because it meant the pain would continue and I was not willing to seriously consider the alternative to eating the food. Well, that is no longer the case. The cure? Vulnerability with people I trust (and that now includes myself!!). I used to believe that feelings were mysterious, incomprehensible, and unpredictable. No longer. I still have a lot of learning to do and must confess that I am not always at peace, but now the difference is that I know that something discernible inside me is causing the distress and that I will discover and change it! Suffering ceases to be suffering when we form a clear and precise picture of it. As I have explored my pain and sorrow; as I have shed conscious light on it, I have found the freedom to change it. :)
your friend,
I am free as I am authentic
I do not need anyone to do or not do anything to make me feel happy.
I am at choice to heal
I honor my truths and allow others to honor theirs.
I am truly free to act for myself, and not to be acted upon. This is made possible by the fact that I have taken full ownership of every choice I make (well mostly). God is not responsible for what I feel, think, say, or do, I am! My will is the one thing that I truly own and no one else, not even God.
-Ryan Scott Chickens Armstrong

At the risk of embarrassing my father in law, who is a dear friend of mine, I will write on this blog something he shared with me tonight. 

He shared that it has been pleasing and inspiring to watch me develop and become more bold.

Now I am grateful for that, I am grateful that he chose to respond with an open mind and heart.

That is encouraging to hear, but not surprising. I created that! I created that reality using the atonement of Jesus Christ by putting into my mind and heart over a long enough period of time that I am bold, deeply inspiring, and compelling.

New Goal

Hi Everyone!
I will now post a goal that I have:
Earn $10,000 by November 7th.
My reason why is so that I can immediately sign up for the advanced mentoring course with Strongbrook to become a facilitator and also pay back my parents the money they lent to us.

Have I written nothing on this blog about Strongbrook's mentoring program??
It's been amazing! My life is better than it has ever been, better than I thought it could be in this mortal life. A lot of the difficulties I struggled with (such as feeling enthusiasm only rarely or being defensive and insecure, etc.), I truly believed were my lot to deal with for this life and only after passing on to the next would I be freed from them. I am feeling joy more and more often, not only that but passion! I love feeling passion! I am more and more patient with other people, especially Melissa, for I hear feedback as information now, without any emotions attached to it.

As Melissa put it, she went away to Toronto for 5 weeks and when she came back, she had a better marriage :).

So I performed miracles in my own life in the past few weeks with the help of this program and the guidance of my Heavenly Father! Essentially, I have had the opportunity to examine and unlearn unhealthy patterns that are of a telestial nature. So, I am inspired to become a facilitator in this course.

We are intent on being fully prepared to serve God in whatever way he wants us to; to build God's kingdom in any way we are called. Heavenly Father wants us to be wealthy socially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, and mentally that we may be in the best position to bring about his eternal purposes and ours!

I also want to do this because I am sure that as I train to become a facilitator I will uncover more of my own limitations; as I face them and turn them around I will become more and more like my Savior Jesus Christ and feel a greater abundance of joy in my life continually.

I invite you to pray for me to achieve this goal. :)

Love,
-Ryan Scott Armstrong, promoter and emissary of empowerment.
Empowerment is my true passion!

"I want to get rid of my bad feelings."

Vidalia just told me that, but first she told me this...

"It's my action to get rid of my bad feelings and bring in my nice nice feelings."

The she stated,

"I want to get rid of my bad feelings."

Then she told me,

"But I still get angry at myself."

I'm glad to hear her say some of this.  Part of me wants to know how much of what she's saying she understands...

Dream Sharing

I want to capture here a pleasant exchange that Melissa, Vidalia, and I just had waking up. Vidalia's first words out of her mouth today were "But he's in his bumbo!" She denied dreaming about someone in a bumbo.
        My dream was that the Forensics unit of the Utah State Hospital was an oil rig in the ocean, far from any land. It was organized into four pillars, all closely connected. The very bottom decks belonged to the patients; the rooms were less than tidy. Patients did basic jobs for about 5-20 hours a week including vacuuming, serving food, cleaning tables, etc. much like they do in real life. Finally, in the middle decks there were bars that patients had access to all times of the day; they could roam around the oil rig freely. One even had a dog. Interesting dream.
        Vidalia's other dreams were that a caterpillar went in the water and opened his eyes underwater; he was very comfortable in the water. She also dreamt that lots and lots of friends came over to play. They were nice to her and then they went home. Then more friends came to visit and they were also nice to her.              It was a pleasant exchange!

In just a few hours Melissa and I will start our first mentoring session with Strongbrook. We are excited for the potential for growth and for shedding false beliefs of doubt and fear that hold us back and replacing them with better, healthier beliefs!